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LET IT GO
One of the biggest complaints that couples in a romantic relationship have about one another is that someone nags or never lets anything go. Someone is always on the other’s case about this, that and the other. Or that one person always brings up some sort of issue over and over again. Or that one person won’t stop harping about something that happened before they were even in the picture! That Elsa was onto something when she belted out “Let it go! Let it go!”
There are some things worthy of being brought up more than once, but most everything else should be dealt with and done. This requires the couple to communicate the issue and have each feel it was effectively resolved. If one person doesn’t feel closure or that the necessary changes have been made, the issue will rear its ugly head again. Trust me. Like communication, it requires work to deal with issues and then to let them go. Here are the most common repeat concerns and how to let them go for good:
NAGGING IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
Nagging about the small stuff (taking the trash out, putting the dishes in the dishwasher, putting the dishes in the dishwasher the right way, etc.) can drive people crazy. This complaint usually comes from the men and too much nagging might get the dreaded insult, “Quit nagging me! You’re not my mother!” This, of course, begs the reaction, “If you would just do it right the first time, I wouldn’t have to nag!” Ah, the endless cycle.
This can be dealt with in two ways. First, if you are with someone that you KNOW is a slob, they are not likely going to change. You entered the romantic relationship aware of potential pet peeves, so you can’t hold that against them for the rest of time. You know that saying, buyer beware? Well… If your partner does something that drives you nuts, recognize it and decide if it’s something you can live with. If you do, then live with it! Constant nagging will just hurt both of you.
Second, if your significant other starts doing things that drive you nuts out of the blue, then you should certainly have a discussion about it. You cannot be passive-aggressive or make snide comments if you haven’t talked about it like adults. Chances are, the other person is oblivious they are doing it and a simple talk can nip it in the bud.
BAGGAGE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
Everyone has baggage. Just as everyone usually has a past of some sort. It is perfectly okay to be curious about your partner’s life before you. It is also a normal expectation that couples would discuss their lives and experiences with each other. Once discussed, it is important to leave those people and experiences in the past. If your partner has left them firmly in the rearview mirror, then you must as well. If you can’t, this is a hang up of yours that you must deal with.
I have been guilty of obsessing over people in my boyfriend’s past. There is a clear link between my current anxieties and my various fears that stem from my childhood. It’s not my boyfriend’s fault. It is my own demons playing tricks on me and oftentimes doing a damned good job of helping me self-sabotage my romantic relationships. That is something I have to let go of. I can guarantee that bringing up past issues can destroy your relationship.
Now, there is baggage that pre-dates you and baggage that may exist in your current relationship. The baggage that accompanies your current relationship is even harder to let go of. My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for a couple of years. We both have relationship trauma and have issues that can get in the way of our happiness. These flare-ups have resulted in us breaking up a couple of times along the way.
When I experience a breakup, I withdraw and focus on me. There is a lot of music therapy, working out to keep my mind off things, a lot of crying and contemplating – the works. When my boyfriend experiences a breakup, he finds his comfort in the company of someone else. This is extremely hard for me. We have found our way back to one another every time, but it is almost impossible for me to forget the other women and bury the fear that it could happen again.
But that’s just it. If you make the decision to move forward with a person, despite what has happened, you have to commit to that decision. It is torture for yourself and your partner if you continue to bring it up. Take the time you need to figure out what you want and what you are capable of. If you truly love your partner and feel like you can successfully move on, communicate with your partner to get the answers and explanations you need. Then, for your sake and that of your relationship, let it go.